Left Behind

lone·li·ness

/ˈlōnlēnəs/

noun

noun: loneliness

1. 1.

sadness because one has no friends or company.

"feelings of depression and loneliness"

• the fact of being without companions; solitariness.

"the loneliness of a sailor's life"

When I was younger, I remember always feeling like an outcast. Maybe it was because I went to a lot of different schools. Or maybe it was because I didn't want to get hurt.

After an incident in middle school where a mean girl wanted to see me cry, I became very protective over myself. I didn't want to be vulnerable. So, I became a loner. I occupied myself with novels and movies where the "ugly duckling" gets a makeover and is beloved by all.

I wanted to be her.

I still want to be her.

Through the years, I have attempted to busy myself with other projects to keep my mind off of the loneliness. Off of the pain. Yet, through the distractions, sometimes, the hurt seeps out and holds me captive, and I end up feeling like the odd kid out.

Why do I allow myself to get so wrapped up in the little things? Not getting a "like" from a friend on social media. Or a text message. Or a reply at all. Feeling overlooked and ignored. Thinking that they enjoy everyone else's company but mine.

Why do I do this to myself? Having a pity party because other people seemed to be more included. Other people are adored more.

It feels like my heart is in an iron grip and there's nothing that I can do. Nothing makes it better. All of the friends that are no longer in my life, whether it be my decision or theirs.

The past few years have been hell, but I'd be lying if I blamed all of this on my illness. It feels as though it has always been this way. Being forgotten. Being left out. The illnesses just intensifies it.